Why Managers Avoid Real Feedback at Performance Review Time—and What to Do Instead

It’s performance review season. You’ve coached, supported, and planned throughout the year.

And yet, here you are again. The same pattern continues to appear.

Now you’re staring at their performance review thinking:

Do I really want to bring this up again?

Should I leave it out and focus on the good stuff?

Maybe Q1 will be different…

That right there? That’s the “Diaper Genie” moment.

It could be tempting to wrap the feedback in the Genie — twist the lid, seal the discomfort, and deliver a performance review that smells… fine on the surface.

But the stink?

It’s still there.

And it’s getting stronger.

Why It’s Tempting to Disguise Feedback at Performance Review Time

You tell yourself: It’s not that bad. They’re trying. I don’t want to demotivate them. I already gave the feedback—why say it again? It’s the holidays.

Or you don’t want to face their face.

The disappointment. The defensiveness. Or, the tension that comes with naming something—again.

So instead of reinforcing the message, you…

Soften it.

Bury it.

Or, replace clarity with “professional” phrasing that means absolutely nothing.

And just like that, you’ve twisted the lid and resealed the stink.

If you’ve ever chosen comfort over courage, this one’s worth watching:

What to Do Instead

If the behavior is still happening, it’s not time to give up. It’s time to deepen the conversation.

That’s where the A.R.T. Method of Advanced Accountability comes in. It doesn’t replace your previous approach—it builds on it. You’re still leading with:

• Connection (This is a relationship, not a write-up.)
• Curiosity (Don’t assume you know the “why.”)
• Commitment (Name what happens next—together.)

Here’s how A.R.T. works:

• A = Action → You gave feedback on the behavior.
• R = Repetition → The pattern’s showing up again.
• T = Trust → They made a commitment and didn’t follow through.

Ask yourself:

Are you at R or T? Because what you say next depends on where you are.

If You’re at Repetition: Call the Pattern With Curiosity

This isn’t about a single moment—it’s about a pattern that didn’t shift.

What to say:

I want to circle back to something we’ve discussed. I’m noticing the pattern’s still there, and I’d like to understand what’s getting in the way.

Then offer clear, recent examples. Neutral. Specific. No drama.

It showed up in the sprint review, again during the client prep meeting, and once more in the October launch debrief.

Then: get curious.

How are you seeing this? What’s making this harder to shift?

And finally: recommit.

What would meaningful progress look like by the end of Q1? What do you need from me to support that?

You’re not repeating the feedback—you’re reinforcing expectations.

And you’re doing it with belief in their ability to step up.

Related: How Managers Self-Sabotage When Giving Negative Feedback

If You’re at Trust: Talk About the Broken Commitment

They said they’d change. They didn’t.

Now it’s about follow-through—and your ability to trust what they say.

But don’t switch to judgment. Stay anchored in connection and concern.

What to say:

We’ve had this conversation before, and you made a commitment to shift. But I haven’t seen that happen.

Then make it real:

That puts us in a hard spot. Not just because of the issue itself, but because it impacts how much I can trust your follow-through.

I want to be someone you can count on—and I want to count on you, too. That’s how we work well together. Right now, that trust needs repair.

Then reopen the door:

What do you think is getting in the way? What do you need to move forward—and how can we get back into alignment?

This is a Trust conversation.

You’re giving them a chance to recommit—or to recognize that something needs to shift more fundamentally.

What Happens If You Wrap It Again?

You might feel like you’re protecting the relationship.
But here’s what’s happening:

• The issue continues, unaddressed.
• The employee gets mixed signals.
• Your credibility weakens.
• Other team members notice—and disengage.
• You set yourself up for another round of Genie temptation next quarter.

And just like that, one review becomes a long, slow decline in standards.

If the behavior is still happening, and you’ve already addressed it, this is not the time to twist the lid and reseal the feedback.

This is the moment to reconnect, get curious, and reset the commitment clearly and directly. Because the longer you wrap it, the worse it smells.

And your team?

They deserve better than that.

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